Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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