I wish I could punch you in the face.
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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