remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
