its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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