She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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