Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
