I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
