A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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