Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
