Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
