my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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