I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
