Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
