My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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