you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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