Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
