In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
