and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
