dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
