Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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