I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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