we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
