Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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