end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
