If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
