Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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