i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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