This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So vagazzling was a success
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
