Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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