If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
