I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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