dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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