me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
