I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
