this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
