You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
