I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
