I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
