Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
