I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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