I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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