Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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