somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I checked into jail on foursquare
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
