and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
