is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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