i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
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He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
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I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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