I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
