Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
