If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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