I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
