His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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