i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
