She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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