Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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